Does running away from your responsibilities count as exercise? #C-331

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Some people call it OCD. I call it put the shit back where you found it. C-1052

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I never run with scissors. Those last two words were unnecessary. #C-363

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What (and I can't stress this enough) the actual fuck. C-999

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Tonight's forecast...99% chance of cocktails! #C-400

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I LOVE not camping! C-985

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YES! You remembered the tequila! C-680

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When I say "I like this group photo of us" I really mean"I like how I look in this group photo!" #C-318

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I like to take baths because it's harder to drink wine in the shower #C-457

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When life gives you lemons...find some limes and make a margarita! #C-852

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DETOX RETOX C-795

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You are a f**king goddess! C-773

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AM PM C-789

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My alone time is for everyone's safety! C-617A

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Vaxxed, waxxed and ready for summer! C-970

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Beware of the dog. The cat is shady as fuck also. #C-193

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Is it today or yesterday? C-922

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Staying in is the new going out! C-929

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Voting is YOUR superpower! C-930

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Lately my days are spent wondering..is it too late for coffee or too early for alcohol? C-928

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Dorothy and Cinderella. Two words that prove a pair of shoes can change your life # C-603

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Zoom happy hour is my therapy C-905

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I drink wine because my therapist said I shouldn't keep things bottled up! #C-687

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You know me...busy, busy, busy! #C-598

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If you're not supposed to snack at midnight why is there a light in the fridge? #C-600

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I just double tapped the picture in the magazine to see it better. C-904

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"Be strong" I whispered to my wifi signal #C-860

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I whisper 'what the fuck' to myself at least 20 times a day. # C-612

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It's so fun having a friend like you...most people are so normal! #C-886

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You say f**k a lot. I like that about you. #C-842

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I really don't need any words of wisdom right now. I just need a f**king drink! #C-618

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My alone time is for everyone's safety! #C-617

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Fuck! #C-468

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Breathe, relax and let shit go! C-619

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I'm a believer in peace and love (but I say fuck a lot) #C -554

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You know....the older I get, the less I give a fuck! C-724

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I wish my life had background music so I could tell what the hell is going on! #C-332

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Reality called...so I hung up. # C-308

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A wise woman once said "Fuck this shit" and lived happily ever after. # C-476

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I see these moms who can do everything and I think...I should have them do some stuff for me! #C-417

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Why do they want dinner EVERY single night? #C-169

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You're a really good bad influence! #C-801

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"I already know. I saw it on your Instagram." #C-876

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You are pretty fucking amazing! C-797

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People our age seem so much older #C-879

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I need a nap. Or an umbrella drink. I can't decide which. #C-255

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Hole foods. C-822

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You are fucking cool! C-677

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Love every day like it's taco Tuesday! C-790

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Girls gone glamping! #C-831

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I'm a woman. What's your superpower? # C-613

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It's not that I don't like to exercise. Oh wait...yes it is! #C-667

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WTF! #C-740

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Brunch was invented so we could drink champagne at breakfast!. # C-604

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Fuckity, f**k, f**k, f**k! #C-610

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Palm trees, umbrella drinks and a swimming pool...are you in? # C-313

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Remember, life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you're drunk! #C-325

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I really want to go camping this summer. Pref in a hotel. With a pool. Room service. And a spa! #C-284

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I get more cleaning done in the 15 minutes before people come over, than I do in a whole week! # C-203

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Remember kids, no running, no diving and no salt on my margarita... #C-187

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The only thing I throwback on a Thursday is a margarita! #C-356

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We've been friends for so long that I can't remember which one of us is the bad influence! #C-681

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I used to wonder what it was like to read other people's minds. Then social media came along and now I'm over it! C-253

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In California...we salt margaritas, not sidewalks! #C-602

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Always love a woman for her personality. They have about 6, so you can choose. C-342

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Coffee is my spirit animal! #C-662

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If you can fold a fitted sheet you are obviously a witch #C-294

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Going away for the weekend . Need about 4 outfits. Packed about 20 'just in case'. C-820

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You never know how many friends you have until you have a beach house! #C-732

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Fuck Yeah! #C-706

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The only thing worse than parallel parking... is a witness. #C-416

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She marches to her own drama. #C-698

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Although I can party like a rockstar...it would appear that I cannot recover like one. #C-256

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We're best friends, because let's face it, you know too much! #C-406

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I have an irrational fear of wasting a great outfit on an insignificant day #C-301

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Girlfriend, you were using the flashlight on your ph to find your ph #C-458

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I'm drinking my green juice and listening to a podcast on the beach after doing yoga and going to the farmer's market. What are you doing?. # C-539

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I don't stalk. I investigate. #C-464

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Mercury is in fucking retrograde again! #C-454

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We're not gossiping. We're networking! # C-563

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I really like protesting. I'm standing up for what I believe in AND getting my 10,000 steps in. It's a win-win! # C-614

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I'm still hot! It just comes in flashes now!. # C-583

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Wow...that was rather inappropriate! No wonder we're such good friends. #C-506

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I overpacked? Don't worry. That's why suitcases have wheels. #C-300

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I love hanging out with people who make me forget to look at my phone. #C-305

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I am a domestic goddess, sans the domestic part #C-293

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Dear Stress, let's break up #C-221

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Not all men annoy us. Some men are gay. #C-315

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A clean house is a sign that your internet is down! #C-310

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I'm not crazy. I'm creative. #C-694

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SAVE THE EARTH! It's the only planet that has chocolate! #C-736

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My life has a great cast! I just need to figure out the plot. #C-714

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I still think 1990 was 10 years ago! #C-577

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GET (sh)IT DONE. #C- 546

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You call them swear words. I call them sentence enhancers. #C-601

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Darling, life is so damn short so for fuck's sake do what makes you happy! #C-309

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Home is...where you totally understand how the shower works! #C-447

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Fucking Brilliant! # C- 500

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Oops...I bought champagne instead of milk again! #C-297

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'Tell them I'm in a meeting! I'll call them back' # C-548

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Do what you f**king love! # C-616

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Divorce - End of an Error #C-319

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What do you mean I'm only allowed ONE check-on bag? #C-683

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Men: proudly refusing to look at directions since 1952 #C-597

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A true friend...always uses the instagram filter that flatters you the most! #C-567

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It doesn't matter if the glass is half full or half empty. There is clearly room for more wine!. # C-362

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The awkward moment when you realize they weren't waving at you! # C-306

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Cocktails tonight? #C-582

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That feeling you get when you leave the barista a really good tip and they turn around and don't see you do it! #C-579

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...but first...coffee! #C-573

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My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do. # C-352

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How we used to block calls! #C-702

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I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday! #C-307

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I understand the concept of cooking and cleaning. Just not as it applies to me. #C-324

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I've used up all my favorite baby names on my cats! #C-316

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Turning the music down when you're looking for an address so you can see better! #C-605

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Did someone say happy hour? #C-599

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NO SELFie CONTROL #C-734

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There is no shame in emotional shopping (It's called retail therapy) #C-776

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It doesn't matter if the glass is half full or half empty. There is clearly room for more wine! C-362

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