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I wish my life had background music so I could tell what the hell is going on! #C-332
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Brunch was invented so we could drink champagne at breakfast!. # C-604
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I'm a woman. What's your superpower? # C-613
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We're best friends, because let's face it, you know too much! #C-406
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In California...we salt margaritas, not sidewalks! #C-602
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A wise woman once said "Fuck this shit" and lived happily ever after. # C-476
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Tonight's forecast...99% chance of cocktails! #C-400
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I like to take baths because it's harder to drink wine in the shower #C-457
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I whisper 'what the fuck' to myself at least 20 times a day. # C-612
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I have an irrational fear of wasting a great outfit on an insignificant day #C-301
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Girlfriend, you were using the flashlight on your ph to find your ph #C-458
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I'm drinking my green juice and listening to a podcast on the beach after doing yoga and going to the farmer's market. What are you doing?. # C-539
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Reality called...so I hung up. # C-308
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I'm a believer in peace and love (but I say fuck a lot) #C -554
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Fuck! #C-468
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I don't stalk. I investigate. #C-464
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I really like protesting. I'm standing up for what I believe in AND getting my 10,000 steps in. It's a win-win! # C-614
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Mercury is in fucking retrograde again! #C-454
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We're not gossiping. We're networking! # C-563
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I really want to go camping this summer. Pref in a hotel. With a pool. Rome service. And a spa! #C-284
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I'm still hot! It just comes in flashes now!. # C-583
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Wow...that was rather inappropriate! No wonder we're such good friends. #C-506
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I overpacked? Don't worry. That's why suitcases have wheels. #C-300
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Remember, life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you're drunk! #C-325
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I love hanging out with people who make me forget to look at my phone. #C-305
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I am a domestic goddess, sans the domestic part #C-293
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Dear Stress, let's break up #C-221
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Although I can party like a rock star, it would appear I cannot recover like one! #C-256
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Not all men annoy us. Some men are gay. #C-315
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A clean house is a sign that your internet is down! #C-310
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If you can fold a fitted sheet you are obviously a witch #C-294
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GET (sh)IT DONE. #C- 546
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Does running away from your responsibilities count as exercise? #C-331
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Darling, life is so damn short so for fuck's sake do what makes you happy! #C-309
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Fucking Brilliant! # C- 500
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I still think 1990 was 10 years ago!. # C-577
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If you're not supposed to snack at midnight why is there a light in the fridge? #C-600
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Oops...I bought champagne instead of milk again! #C-297
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My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do. # C-352
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Men: proudly refusing to look at directions since 1952 #C-597
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Do what you f**king love! # C-616
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I never run with scissors. Those last two words were unnecessary. # C-363
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It doesn't matter if the glass is half full or half empty. There is clearly room for more wine!. # C-362
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The awkward moment when you realize they weren't waving at you! # C-306
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Coffee is my spirit animal! # C-662
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'Tell them I'm in a meeting! I'll call them back' # C-548
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